I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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