One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
