this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
