there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
