I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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