We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
