It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
