Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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