Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
