I think I died a long time ago.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
