It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
