OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
