I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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