I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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