Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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