I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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