is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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