When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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