Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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