i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
