I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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