I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
