mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
