Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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