So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
