It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
