dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
