Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
