I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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