Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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