my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
