Banned from zoo.
Again?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
