You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
