upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
