I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
