So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
