Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
