He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
