Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
