dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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