Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
