I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
