Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
