Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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