Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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