my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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