Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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