Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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