He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
