yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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