life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
