I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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