I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
