I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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