Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
