Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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