can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just had sex on a roof
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
