Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
