you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
