That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
