So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
