toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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