Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
