I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
